We say as many hellos as we say goodbyes.....

My blogging has really diminished the longer I am here, I apologize for those I am letting down. Not only is our internet unreliable but I sometimes find that there is not much to report- we have fallen into a routine and so our daily activities are very similar. Every day comes with its cute moments- unexpected giggles or gestures from the kiddies and although I relish in all of those moments when I go to report them they seem so personal, something that no one else would feel compelled to read but me. I have truly taken on a “Mama” mentality, getting so excited for JR when he started walking, and W when she would stand up for more than 2 secs and E when he smiled only at me when I walked into the nursery- a telltale sign that we have bonded. I am finding the longer I am here the more I am bonding, I am really getting to know these kids and taking the good with the bad- the tantrums with the snuggles.

Yesterday all the staff had a meeting and we were asked to move down to the nursery to keep an eye on all the kids, and we had done it before for 30 mins, maybe an hour, but today was much longer and I was overwhelmed. I am positive it was nap time everyone was cranky, they were fighting with each other, fighting over our lap, atleast someone had a dirty diaper so we were constantly changing them. I think having younger siblings has prepared me well though- I have toughened up in some regards and learned to nurture when necessary. I can pinpoint cranky tired versus sad/hurt/mad. I don’t think I can ever get 100% comfortable with dirty diapers though, and Hope was so kind as to inform me that one of the children has a severely dirty diaper and was sleeping in it, so while dealing with this DISGUSTING situation (lets just say it wasn’t typical) I gagged all the way through it and couldn’t look at the kid the same for a while hahhahaa. I mean I still love him but it taints you!

I have said it before- I hate goodbyes. And being here for this long I have said SO many goodbyes and more approaching and it just kills me, you bond with people so quickly here b/c you are out of your element and you are working with them day in and day out... and then they leave (most people stay for 2 weeks). Today Hope left, although I knew that at some point I would have to say goodbye to her, knowing that my stay was much longer than hers, it didnt make it any easier this morning. It feels odd to start a trip with someone and not end it with the same person. Not only have we grown really close, but she was my sounding board and my taste of home- I feel so incredibly lucky to have had the chance to share my love for this country with someone so open and so engaged. I KNOW that she has fallen in love with Haiti and I am excited to watch her grow as she digests all that we experienced together in 3 weeks. Nevertheless, I am anxious about my remaining time here, I know I can do it but I have to maintain a certain mindset so as not to allow all that can bogg you do invade me.

As we were driving up this evening we were talking about how the rest of the volunteer left will be leaving next week and I sighed- I HATE GOODBYES I said, and Jussi quickly reminded me "you say as many goodbyes as you say hello's here"! What an incredbile way to look at it- I have to think about all the amazing people I have met, the encouraging conversations I have had and the last friendships I have developed. I am thankful for all of those "Hellos"!

For many that know me know that I am incredibly ambitious person, I am driven and passionate but I am not without my insecurities- and they often show no matter how hard I mask them, and its encouraging to see when you are out of your element and people meet you with no previous knowledge and the qualities they highlight in you and the encouragement you can get from that. Selfish or not I thankful for these interactions- as I always grow personally most when I am here.

I must go its lightening here and we have to shut the internet down! More tomorrow.....