Its not even 4 am and I am writing from a propped up position in bed. I’ve been awake for over an hour.
I would chalk it up to sleep less ‘recovery’ – as I am on the mend from a 4 day India- inspired flu ( I will spare you the details but I promise you it was not lovely) but I don’t think that is quite“it”.
I’m restless.
I remember during my (at times) obscenely selfish teenage years my parents scolding me by saying the (albeit classic) “You need to get your priorities straight.” well this ‘morning’ that very statement is ringing in my ears!
Having had a couple calls with home this week I can’t help but feel that tonight I am not where I need to be. Family is something I have always claimed is important to me- but lately I think I have a ‘funny’ way of showing it.
Sure there is something to be said for chasing a dream and doing what I love but as I get older I realize there are sacrifices you need to make as a member of a family. As my step dad continues to battle cancer- my mom, brothers and extended family work everyday towards maintaining normalcy and HOPE. Sure I make the weekly phone call and send the occasional card chalked full of love..but I can’t help but feel I am not pulling my weight. Family is important to me… but is it at the top of my priority list?
My brothers are getting older and older every day (I know this is obvious) but with this growth comes new developments, new personality traits, new likes and dislikes…. all of to which I am oblivious (aside from the updates I receive every now and then when I remember to ask). When they look back on these years are they going to recall that ‘they were my world (as I so often claim)?’
And it isn’t just my title as daughter, sister and even granddaughter I am starting to question. My title as “best friend” or even “friend” seems loosely held onto these days. I have a number of friendships I have had for years- many of which have this unspoken agreement that no matter how long we go without talking or seeing each other we would still consider each other ‘besties’… but I WANT to define a friendship by support offered, laughter shared, experiences forged… all of which require SEEING each other.
And to avoid sounding melodramatic, over critical and unrealistic I will add the disclaimer that this is all very idealistic… sometimes life demands absences, sometimes one needs to look out for their personal goals. But as I enter a stage of (what I have dubbed) ‘life research’… looking at what is next for me…. I look forward to demanding a more self critical role and re analyzing my ‘priorities’.
With two months before I am due home ( or 55 days!!!) I am committed to some serious reanalyzing… how can I be a better daughter? sister? grand daughter? FAMILY member? friend? pseudo Auntie (to my best friends GORGEOUS babes)?
Stay tuned as I contemplate the tangibles!!
