M’ap sonje ou anpil

Today I held a baby… for the first time in months, only this baby was plump, blue eyed and beautiful. It felt awkward a first… like it was my first time trying to comfort a baby. She looked up at me with a sceptical look and immediately turned her head to scan the room for her mommy. Was I no good at this anymore?

Then I remembered those long days of baby loving… those days I began to take for granted. Those days I sometimes complained about the amount of diapers I changed or the droll I endured.

Those days I would give ANYTHING to have back.

Holding that baby this morning made me long for those snuggles, the unconditional love they poured into me. My babies didn't scan the room for someone else- they looked for ME, they wanted ME, they smiled at ME when I walked in the room.

And as I held that baby it made me miss them even more, not a day goes by that I don’t think of them, but as I sit here tonight with the first quiet time all weekend I cant help but relive those little moments…

• The mornings when JR spent our time alone together on the balcony, he wasn’t interested in the toys or games he would crawl up on my lap and fall asleep. Just the two of us.

• When W pulled herself up in her crib all by herself and found my face with a huge smile- just waiting for the congratulations and big kisses to come her way.

• When E took his first steps… for ME! one… two… three.. plop! followed by a GIANT smile, a bump scoot and a squeeze

• When B smiled from ear to ear with a little love and encouragment.

These are the moments I will remember for ever.

Dear JR, W, E, and B:

M’ap sonje ou anpil – I remember you, I miss you very much.

Tonight these are my hopes for you,

I hope tonight someone comforts your cries, I hope someone kisses your forward and makes you feel loved. I hope someone tucks your powdered little face into bed with a promise of a good day tomorrow. I hope someone plays your favourite games with you tomorrow and awards your naughty behaviour with even more love and affection. I hope you know that you ARE loved and you are in my thoughts tonight.

Bon nuit timoun, bon nuit.