In the days and weeks to follow….

My heart aches, I sat in bed last night after an incredibly LONG and difficult day at work and I wept. I wept for the fact that I have been so busy these past couple weeks that I haven't properly “digested” my experiences in Haiti, I wept for my babies and how much I miss them- their smiles, their cuddles and just their presence. I wept for how quickly I can get thrown into the fast paced N. American life style- not having forgotten but having temporary displaced reality. It is so incredibly difficult, I am so in love with Haiti but also have a life here, it is simply impossible to have the best of both worlds.

Today as I go about my day I am thinking of W, E, JR, B and all those other babies who touched my heart so deeply during my stay. I hope and pray that someone hugs them today, that someone gives them a kiss and tells them how much everyone loves them, that all those volunteers at GLA right now grasp how incredibly lucky they are to be surrounded by all those angels (dirty diapers and all!).

It could be the exhaustion, it could be the confusion and frustration in a new job, but today I miss Haiti more and more.

Don't Cry Because Its Over, Smile Because It Happened

Wow it has been an emotional week, I am still struggling with being home- getting sucked into the fast paced North American culture with little time to just sit down, reflect and have some time to myself. I have surronded myself with family and friends but the hardest part is knowing that NO one knows what is in my heart and how much my heart is aching for those babies and those close friends I left behind in Haiti.
Yesterday I headed to Sarnia to be around some "Haiti" friends and I dont know if it was a good or bad decision. Although it was comforting to know that they are genuinely interested, they want to know what I saw and they are supportive during this transition- they were all eager to hear about everything I did and everything I experienced and I don't think I was ready to share... I havent had the time to gather my emotions and organize my thoughts.
Nevertheless, the Rayjon Youth Committee came together today and ran a successful fundraiser BBQ and raised some funds for our development projects- it was an amazing day weather wise and spirit wise! We had some great volunteers and I had some amazing company.
Tonight I will take time for myself, I hope to post some more pictures soon as I know many are eager to see :)
More soon!

HOME

Wow! Do I EVER miss those babies, I have been home less than 48 hours and the breakdowns continue…. the excitement of being home/ graduating and seeing those I love and missed has dwindled and ALL I can think about are those babies that I didn’t hold today.

I hope they know that I  am thinking about them every second and I have not forgotten them, I hope someone will give them a squeeze tonight and tell them it is from me, I hope they know I love them with all my heart – a heart that aches for them at this very moment. GOSH I wish I had a way to have the best of both worlds.

W, E, B and JR: I am thinking about you tonight- I LOVE YOU!

You’re gunna miss this… you’re gunna want this back…

As I sat in the nursery last night it hit me how it is such an incredible PRIVILEGE to have become a part of these children's lives, how lucky I am to share in their development  and how it is going to be so ridiculously  hard to say goodbye to them… forever. Soon I will be leaving Haiti, I will be hugging and kissing those babies- setting them down for the last time and saying goodbye to those incredible nannies with whom I have bonded with so much. I will walk out of the nursery for the last time knowing that none of those 4 babies with whom I have worked with for 2 months 6 days a week will ever remember me…. knowing that I will NEVER forget them. I will hug those volunteers and staff at GLA and thank them for their new friendships and their support while I was here…. and I will make the  last drive through devastation and leave my beloved country behind.

I knew this was going to be hard, when I made the decision to come for a much longer stay I knew the goodbyes at the end of it were going to be difficult, but I never could have imagined the love that would grow for not only my assigned children but for all the children at GLA. I have come to know them all so well, I know their personality, I know their likes and dislikes, I know their behaviour patterns and I can recognize their giggles. After dinner last night I sat down on the nursery floor, one of the nannies handed me a bowl of food so as to say “please help” and the first to WALK over to me were my two boys  JR and E, the recognition in their smiles, their initial cuddles and the normalcy of this was incredible. I sat there much longer after dinner with E, he has perfected standing by himself and is trying SO hard to perfect a stable walk, we spent an hour of him crawling away from me and walking back towards me with the PROUDEST SMILE, ending with the biggest hug… I’m gunna miss this!

There are so many of these moments I am going to miss, JR’s mischievous smile as he tests his limits and then melts your heart with a snuggle. W’s growth and development after so many hours of consistent work, I am going to miss her standing alone, I am going to miss her first steps, and I am going to miss those wide mouth gummy smiles every time she looks at me. I am going to miss E walking everywhere, I am going to miss his huge smile and loving hugs, I am going to miss his busy personality and his curious behaviour. I am going to miss see B grow up, I am going to miss his spontaneous grins, I am going to miss his big eyes and his round little belly…. I am going to miss him.

I am going to miss every ONE of those babies in the nursery, I know they are in incredible hands and I hope to find peace with that very fact as I prepare to leave and struggle with the goodbyes.

I am going to miss “this”!

Playing in the Rain

 

During rainy season it is NOT unusual for our play balcony to flood- on a daily basis! We have spent SO much time keeping the kids away from the water that we just decided to let them go at it- with supervision of course!

At first they were hesitant….

 

And then the games begun!

 

 

Gwo (big) J had so much fun launching himself across the balcony, and we had a couple laughs ourselves :)

Kids do the darn-est things ;)

“It’s my party and I'll can cry if I want to!”

Today W and Ti J turned 1 year old!

I was so excited to throw them a little birthday party, we set up the decorations, made the chocolate pudding and invited all their friends from the nursery (including E who didn't get quite an elaborate 1st birthday celebration last month- so it was partly for him too!)…. but we forget to ask the birthday girl if she was up for it!

She eventually warmed up to the idea… as long as she was sitting on my lap! But Ti J was up for it all :)

I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to share such an important date with my babes.

On the road again….

It has been a busy week!

Wednesday was an exciting day, Dave, Melissa and myself took 8 children to a doctors appointment that is routine for processing new adoption proposals, but it was also a nice way to get out and have a change of scenery. I didn't take my camera; however I sat with a baby on my lap one leaning against me and the rest packed on knees or surrounding seats. Neurotic N. American mothers would have a hay day with our driving situation, we held on tight to those babes while James navigated the hilly mountain road down to Peitionville. Driving into downtown is always sobering, collapsed buildings and segregated tent cities and continued devastation. There are men demolishing on every street corner and piles of debris stacked alongside roadways. This is not the Haiti I once knew, although my love for this country stands strong, it hurts to see its people suffering still 4 months following a 20 sec catastrophe.

Returning home that afternoon we were ALL exhausted but I still managed to get in some quality time with all my babes.

Thursday was a day of organizing and cleaning, my OCD was satisfied with the amount we accomplished. We reorganized the layout of the balcony so that we could utilize more activity space with the kids, and selfishly so that we could have something different to look at after spending so many days up there!

Today started off with our weekly volunteer breakfast at the guest house, I always look forward to these mornings its a nice time to relax, reflect and enjoy each others company without babies crawling/crying etc. Dave, Melissa and I then headed down again for another road of appointments, this time with another set of 7 kids. Again we were exhausted returning home this afternoon and to be honest I dragged my butt the rest of the day, begging my kiddies to be snugly!

I have fallen into a comfort zone here, I am thankful for our always humorous dinner conversations, our “feelings” talk as one volunteer begrudgingly refers to it (they will remain unnamed' ;), and our time of solidarity. I am surrounded by some amazingly caring and warm people and I am SO thankful on days like today!

More soon …..